The Price of a Perfect Pout
I remember the moment it all started. Not with a needle, but with a mirror. I was four or five years old, rummaging through my mother's makeup bag in Birmingham, England. I would dab on concealer and end up looking like a drag queen, but I loved it. My family was supportive; they just let me wear the makeup, and the more I used, the more they bought. At school, I hung around with the popular girls, so no one dared say a word—the guys were all too busy trying to get with my friends.
By the time I was 19, I got my first procedure: tattooed eyebrows. I had to keep them up regularly. Then, at 21, I walked into a clinic and said, "Make me look natural. Just a little bit of definition." But the lips just got bigger and bigger. I became addicted to lip filler. One day, I was shopping with a friend, and a guy turned to his buddy and said, "Oh my God, look at those [__] lips." I was shocked at first, but then I thought, I kind of love that. Any attention is good attention. Whether you're thinking bad things, you're still thinking about me. And it was more attention from guys. So yeah, I loved that.
After that, it slowly got more and more. I used to go to the doctor and get one milliliter, then two, then it just got to the point where I found a doctor and said, "You know what? Just give me it all." Sometimes, filler can leak out of the side—it's quite scary. I worry that if they keep leaking, I'll end up with small lips again, and that wouldn't be me. My lips have really changed me as a person. Without them, I'd be so normal and boring.
Walking into a Room
I love walking into a room and having people nudge their friend. They'll whisper, "Oh my God, look at that guy." I just love that. I love going to nice bars and nice restaurants, because that's where you meet all the rich men. You don't meet rich men at nightclubs—you just meet little boys. I'm all about the rich men. One time, a woman told me I looked like Courtney Kardashian. I said, "Nope, you're the first." She literally said, "When I saw you walk over, I thought, 'Oh my God, Courtney is walking towards me.'" That's what I won at the end of the day.
I use so much lip filler that I get through a tin of Vaseline a week to keep my lips hydrated. They get so dry. When I asked a beauty store for plumping products, I said, "Show me the bigger the better." The guys love my lips, for obvious reasons. I can feel the product tingling away, making my lips feel bigger and bigger. I couldn't live without that.
Meeting the Doctors
I needed to see the doctors, because when filler is leaking out of your lip, it can be quite scary. I had a friend who kept calling me fat, so I did the pinch test—that's how I check. But he was just grabbing my skin. I said, "That's a breast. You have breasts." He joked, "There's a thing they call a diet. You ought to check it out." I knew it wasn't true, so it was just stupid.
When I finally met Dr. Nasa and Dr. Tuo in Los Angeles, I brought my Birkin bag. They were wowed—it's worth about $115,000. I had all my procedures done in England, and this was my first time in America. They asked about my history. I've had Botox, fillers in my chin, cheeks, smile lines, forehead—my face is so full of filler. They looked at my lips and said they were quite large. I normally get about four milliliters in the top and two in the bottom. I just say to the doctors, "Keep going, keep going." They'll warn me, "Jordan, we're stretching your lips. They'll explode." And I just say, "Just force it in."
I do have times when I wake up in the morning and filler has been leaking out of my lip. That's scary. It can cause a horrible infection. The doctors explained that I have a significant complication called cheilitis—really dry lip syndrome—that requires Vaseline every 10 minutes. They said it's a big red flag on the front of my face.
When they asked me what look I was going for, I said, "I'm not trying to look like anyone. I just love getting treatments done. I want my nose done too." They asked if I wanted a natural look. I said, "Let the natural people be natural and let the fake people be fake. Looking fake, you just walk into a room and people want to know you. You just pop. I love attention."
They tried to convince me to let my lips get smaller. But I'm addicted. I am addicted to getting my lips done. I think it's time for us to go to the exam room. Let's examine you.
The Exam
In the exam room, they knew I was one of those patients they don't align with—someone who wants a very unnatural look. But they examined me anyway, in case I had serious problems they could fix. When they felt my lips, they asked if it hurt. It didn't, but filler might come out the side. It does sometimes. They noticed my lips were very red, with a vascular blush called hyperemia, which happens when they get irritated and blood vessels overgrow. I didn't know that. They showed me little blistery things on my lips. I get those sometimes, but I never knew what they were.
They asked if I had ever had hyaluronidase injected to make them go down. I said, "I want them bigger, not smaller." They warned me, "It's all fun and games until your lips fall off, and then you've got a major irreversible problem." They said, "We know you like doing this and you're probably not going to stop, but if something does happen, remember we don't condone this. We don't like this. But we're here for you."
It's hard having patients like me. No matter what they tell me, I'm just going to keep on doing it. But they thought it was worth a shot to convince me to stay away from my nose. If I keep going, I'll destroy myself.
The Pinch Test
They asked me again what look I wanted for my nose. I said, "Smaller, more feminine. Pinched." That was a red flag for them. "Pinched" is another word for overdone. They showed me what a pinched look actually is. They pinched my nose and said, "Imagine opening your mouth all the time to breathe, with those big lips. Just imagine how dry your lips will get." They were right—my lips are already so dry. I couldn't breathe like that. I started to panic.
I realized I didn't want the pinched look. I didn't want to be botched. I was a little upset that they wouldn't do my nose, but I knew the doctors were right. If they took me to the extreme I wanted, I would end up botched. But then they asked, "Who makes the lips pop?" And I thought, Hell yeah.